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A scented closure ...

2011-12-31T00:00:00.000+02:00

as The year 2011 is coming to an end, i thought i have to write something about it ...
first to say, it was an exhausting year, full of tension, anticipation, thriller & hope ... on personal base it suffices to say it was sad!

i dont want even the last words written in this year to hold anything from above, no politics, no talk about revolution, no talk about personal resolutions, nothing of those classical stuff ... so i decided to talk about something totally different... i will talk about Perfumes!
well, maybe not such a useful topic for anyone, nothing deep, or brainy, but should all the writings be as such! ... it's just a selected page from a diary, a step of something has shared with me the places and events of this year which i wrote it down with all its details, from events & timings to the surrounding atmosphere, its soundtrack & scent!

I love things differently ... i call them names & give them meanings, beyond what they may have to hold, link them in networks & let them build relations ... those 3 perfumes i picked are not my best, it's hard for me to put a best in the category of perfumes cause i have many to call a favourite ... so i will talk about 3 specific perfumes i used them the most, & they were filling my atmosphere during the days of this year ... and with them come the notion!

each one of those perfumes, had a story connected to their names, and putting them together they, complement each others, some days i blend them all and use them, cause i like unique scents, and their different classifications make them compatible forming a full circle of perfumes categories ...

Viva LA Juicy ( The Fruity )

it's just a brand name and for me it means live the Juice of life... the concentration of this life ...
most of my favourite perfumes are of classical bottle shapes, so i'm not that type who judge a perfume from its bottle.
but my first impression about this perfume was about the font on the bottle box that didnt make me like to try it, it is funky, messy, and i expected the perfume to be the same ... but it came clean, nice, cheerful, delicate, tranquil, beautiful ... it's everything beautiful inside a weird unexplainable bottle, same as life, it comes in packages, and inside the package you may find your happiness, but you have to accept the package first with all the ingredients inside it, then open it & explore it, love it & cherish it ... there is one ingredient i don't like about this perfume and the good thing is; it's just in the middle notes so it doesn't remain too long, it leaves me after couple of hours, sometimes i never sense it & it leaves me with the rest of this beautiful smell the rest of my day ... this perfume definitely reflects vibrant life as it smells for me, and the day i wear it, i know it's a day full of a lot of things & a lot of changes. ...

Chance ( The Flowery )

Finally Chanel had a chance from me to love one of their perfumes, it's casual & youthful compared to other Chanel perfumes. i always feel their perfumes smell old & more suitable to my grandma ... i dunno!
i love every thing about this perfume, its name, smell, simple elegant shape, colour ...
at every spray i'm reminded that there is always a new (Chance) for new things even if it was delayed ... i remember that i'm a being associated with aromatic odours, I love scented candles, cards, papers, pens, sprays, foams, lotions, and all & the smell brings those fantasies about the life rising from its dormant & a luxurious perfumed chance inevitably coming my way ...

The One ( The Oriental Spicy )

The one thing that will happen once, and never becomes twice, the life distinction and individuality in this so much replicative wolrd ... having a look on the once in a life time chance ...

reminded as well with the contradiction between this freakish prevailing belief of the continuous run behind the distinct one life, one style, one notion, the one and only power ... and the beauty of the ordinary life taking as it's with all its boring repetition, and customizing it to one's sets...

From the varied fruit of life, to the flowery aromatic life chance, to the spicy distinction of The One in lifetime ...
From the fruity to flowery to oriental spicy perfumes, to the changes of the days & trippings of this year, this year which will remain in the memory of history as a first chapter of an unfinished book ... and a final word for the citizen of Egypt, Let us be fragrances, that will hang around and linger for every passerby, illumine the world with our truth yet conjure up the spirit of those patriotic days...

P.S
a personal advice about a perfume not to buy ... its Top Notes is really nice but what comes next is not as good & it's not well concentrated, so it doesnt stay more than 2-3 hours at most!
-Believe by Britney Spears ...
in celebrities' perfumes lines, it was hard for me to find a perfume that is consistent & clean smelling, except Angel & Alien by Thierry Mugler

Recommendations ...
- D&G
- Burberry
they never fail to make all their perfumes as beautiful as forever

Looking forward to the year 2012 and marking it with a new scent, titled with the name "Be Delicious by DKNY"

Have a coming fragranced year full of love, hope, and happiness ...

Leave your fragrance here ... and if you like you may mark it with a "Name" ...

Anna Ternheim - Lovers Dream

2011-12-05T04:02:00.000+02:00

I'm hooked on this song ....

1st Note

2011-12-05T03:45:00.001+02:00

20/9/2011 5:30 PM

I'mback again to writing, I wonder if there is anything special in the things Iwrite or the things I wrote in the past … one idea or two? but should I infirst place write something useful, we write to help ourselves and if thatmission is successfully accomplished, then we are half the way through, andit's up to others to read it, like it, or ignore it …

whenI decide to put my fingertips on thekeyboard and I start hitting the letters to form words then phrases thenparagraphs which will make sense at the end, I don’t need to be having acertain idea to write about, it's like today I'm writing about writing&about how sometime this process is not the easiest thing to do … speciallywhen your mind is out of focus, but you got that feeling which dominates you& make you want to do it anyway ,,, sometimes things come out fine othertimes it turns into scribbles & blurting, but at least it's the truth aboutwhat you have inside …

A real killer

2011-05-15T03:49:00.003+02:00

it's a real killer to be living alone among people, a real killer to hanger to tell what keeps you awake all night, what troubles you, what you actually think about day to day, but you can't. cause simply none is a good listener, none takes your story as it's, cause you know the reaction before it happens but you wish, you wish, something different will happen but everything sums up to your own expectations, and there is nothing more worse than this

a real killer, when they tell you your own story but through their minds, iterative and the versions comes out something so different than what it feels for you, a real killer when they just try to impose their own point of view on you & never try to negotiate what makes you feel better. real killer to keep it all inside, and real killer to think that it will be there where you will take it with you to your grave

2666

2010-10-25T08:23:00.016+02:00

Finally, a new book in hand ...
it has been a while since the last novel I read. I have been busy & not busy at the same time, but when I have the hanker to read, when the idea keeps nagging and propagating in my head ... Idrop anything and go searching for an interesting novel. I do have a prepared long list of the novels which I wish to read, but for some reason. I put it aside. My mood needs something more exiting than those, there could be something exciting in them, but it's not exciting enough for me ... so as it always happens I'm between two novels in hand. The first is called "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro. it's a mysterious, sci-fi novel. I already made my way to the third chapter in it. Even so, there was that other novel which I should blame it all on Robert Pattinson :) :) :) :) :) ... I saw a picture of him by chance the other day (Arriving in London's airport for the Twilight Premiere 2008 ) quite old I know, that info doesn't interest me, but what interested me was the book in his hand. It's BIG, and looks intriguing. It's not that Robert Pattinson is reading this novel ( which I think its sales have absolutely taken a big leap after that image ) but I always try to dig for the best novels all the time, and there is a possibility that he also picks a good type of them. Following the novel title and author, and reading reviews about it, it got me more & more curious to read it.

that what is written in the beginning of the novel:

Realizing that death might be near, Roberto left instructions for his novel 2666 to be published divided into five books corresponding to the five parts of the novel, specifying the order in which they should appear, at what intervals (one per year), and even the price to be negotiated with the publisher. With this decision, communicated days before his death by Roberto himself to Jorge Herralde, Roberto thought he was providing for his children's future.

After his death, and following the reading and study of his work and notes by Ignacio Echevarria (a friend Roberto designated as his literary executor), another consideration of a less practical nature arose: respect for the literary value of the work, which caused us, together with Jorge Herralde, to reverse Roberto's decision and publish 2666 first in full, in a single volume, as he would have done had his illness not taken the gravest course.

it's #1 on the top 10 fiction Books 2008 in time magazine and after reading some reviews From The Boston Globe review A liquid masterpiece in five enigmatic parts,

"Reviewing Roberto Bolano's "2666" is like reviewing the ocean. To call it a thing of nearly unfathomable breadth elides the intimacy of experiencing it; to focus on the relentless, pounding rhythm of its violence does no justice to its shimmering beauty."

Dallas Morning News Review "

Roberto Bolaño's posthumous meditation of nightmare comedy and serene fatalism unfolds in texts as variant as the dreamscapes of lonely intellectuals and the political digressions of an ex-con famous for writing cookbooks.
In this award-winning quintet of linked novellas, published after his death in 2003 and just now available in English, the disparate motives of European art dealers, Mexican street vendors and jaded American journalists come to form a tissue of longing".

and that coming review in the time magazine (I skipped the part which I felt as a spoiler) .... I decided to put "Never let me go" on hold & read 2666 by Roberto Bolaño, I'm still in the first chapter.

There could be nobody better suited to describe the hilarious, improbable triumph of Robert Bolaño than Bolaño himself, which is a shame because he's dead. At the time of his death, in 2003, Bolaño was a major writer in the Spanish-speaking world but virtually unknown and untranslated in English. Why that should be is not much of a mystery. Bolaño was a difficult, angry, self-reflexive writer who lived an erratic and occasionally unpleasant life. And Americans, as the head of the Swedish Academy has annoyingly but rightly pointed out, don't read much fiction in translation anyway. (See the 100 best albums, movies, TV shows and novels of all time.)
But when the first of Bolaño's major novels, The Savage Detectives, a massive, bizarre epic about a band of avant-garde Mexican poets, was published in the U.S. last year, it instantly became a cult hit among readers and practically a fetish object to critics. Bolaño's second (and last) major novel is titled 2666, and if anything, it is even more massive and more bizarre. It is also a masterpiece, the electrifying literary event of the year. With its publication by Farrar, Straus and Giroux this week — adding to an oeuvre that includes several collections of short stories, numerous novellas and minor novels, and a volume of poems due out later this month from New Directions — Bolaño's posthumous conquest of the U.S. will be complete.
There is, of course, something incontrovertibly Bolañoesque about 2666 itself: an enigmatic, unfinished novel, translated from another language, orphaned by its author. The world, whose number Bolaño indisputably had (was it 2666? We never learn), has subtracted Bolaño from the picture, and we must read his work in his absence. But in a tragic, paradoxical way, his death completes the book: it touches 2666 with the disorder and rootlessness that is its subject. And what more could Bolaño have told us anyway? With what final wisdom could he have supplied us? Gazing at his ruined geometry book, Amalfitano fantasizes about meeting a 19th century philosopher on his deathbed and asking him for advice. "What would his response have been?" Amalfitano wonders. "Be happy. Live in the moment. Be good. Or rather: Who are you? What are you doing here? Go away."

On the other side, there is something beautiful and nice about twilight cast specially Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, is that they are fairly book-immersed and usually photographed holding a book or a Kindle during their travels or even during the break time in the set. which a something i didn't use to see with other actors, is it an arranged type of ad or publicity ,,, i don't think so, i guess it was unintentionally done, cause it's something they are used to do, Right?

Simple P.S

2010-08-21T02:58:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I realized a new fact about myself …
I was wondering why I'm always running behind different stuff like my passion for drawing, playing music, cooking, graphic design, photography, video editing and lately fashion, set deign and decoration, making simple bracelets, knitting and crochet

And suddenly it hit me, there is one common thing between all these stuff !!
They are all about creativity, being creative, artistic … I always needed to vent off this energy ,,, and was always looking around me, and inventing new roads to go through it to satisfy me to discharge all this energy, without realizing why do I do it and I sometime was feeling like a failure who doesn’t know what she wants in life, scattered and out of focus … but now I think I have come to a conclusion to all this suffering whenever this energy hits me to surface I won't suppress it, I will only surrender

nostalgic

2010-08-07T06:24:00.005+03:00

amongst all the mess that is waking me up late at this hour…
I long for the taste of those days couple of years ago … the taste of the spontaneous dreams, and gatherings, the taste of freedom & openness … the taste of real happiness!

wondering how will i look back to this moment, will it carry good feelings and good memories, after another couple of years, will it be a past one day i will yearn for? .... hope the worst has already gone !!

1984

2010-04-12T05:17:00.006+02:00

This review contains a Spoiler … don’t read it if u r going to read the novel.

I have always seen this novel on the Top list of the century Novels, and after reading it, I realized that this novel had indeed deserved it all, and there is something I learned about sci-fic books; that they are not that far from our truth, The ideas emerged through Orwell's novel written in 1949 are practically at our doorsteps right now.

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

the price of security is freedom. George Orwell's depiction of a nation whose philosophy of using war to maintain peace is ironic through the noel's plot, But extremely scary in reality!!! Remember the announced motives behind the wars on Iraq !!

its humbling truths can be applied through culture to all generations, it provides a poignant and essential messages about the oppressive nature of (any) government, the power of rhetoric to manipulate truth and enslave the mind, and the dangers of succumbing to forces claiming to protect your individuality when, in reality, they seek to dehumanize you in a heartless attempt to push a hidden agenda.

it's cynical, frightening, bleak and strong, ultimately beautiful spun. I liked the author's point of view & how he managed to plot it in an easy profound way. you can never feel boredom across the novel or expect what comes next, the progress of his characters through was intense…I was able to visualize it and feel it … maybe the ending is the one thing I didn’t like, I'm not sure I see it as the worst, yet I can see it as the best ending … there is still possibility for a better ending, yet another surprising one, but the ending as it's was still surprising, I was crushed when I read the last line! “He loved Big brother.” the protagonist could not lose after fighting so hard. but if just one final line is all what I didn’t like about a novel, it's still fair enough to give it a five stars.

this is just a brief quick note … I have more to say about this novel … so I may update this later

**************************************

Some of many quotes I liked …

"Big Brother is watching"

"—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. 'Who controls the past' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.'"

"If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say this or that even, it never happened—that, surely, was more terrifying than mere torture and death."

"It was like swimming against a current that swept you backwards however hard you struggled, and then suddenly deciding to turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. Nothing had changed except your own attitude; the predestined thing happened in any case."

'Do you remember,' said O'Brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring sound in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.

'You could not create such a world as you have just described. It is a dream. It is impossible.'

'Why?'
'It is impossible to found a civilization on fear and hatred and cruelty. It would never endure.'
'Why not?'
'It would have no vitality. It would disintegrate. It would commit suicide.'

"they threaten you with something something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. And then you say, "Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to So−and−so." And perhaps you might pretend, afterward, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn't really mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself, and you're quite ready to save yourself that way. You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.'

'All you care about is yourself,' he echoed.

'And after that, you don't feel the same towards the other person any longer.'
'No,' he said, 'you don't feel the same.'

'At the time when it happens,' she had said, 'you do mean it.' He had meant it. He had not merely said it, he had wished it. He had wished that she and not he should be delivered over to the−

And then perhaps it was not happening, perhaps it was only a memory taking on the semblance of sound a voice was singing:

'Under the spreading chestnut tree I sold you and you sold me '
The tears welled up in his eyes. A passing waiter noticed that his glass was empty and came back with the gin bottle.

The Historian

2010-02-16T10:40:00.016+02:00

it's been a while since my last entry here ... my mind feels blank at the moment, and i dont have this feeling which dominates me before writing a new entry, yes, i do feel a huddled distracted huge number of words crowded at the tip of my head ... yearning to be vented off, at this moment i set & start to write, cause by this way only i can discharge them out :D ... but even in every entry the tense of this distraction is variant ... at some entries ( like this one ) the tense is zero.

couple of days ago there was a happy & good family occasion ... it was like a wonderful whiff of exhilaration, is finally about to strike … 2010 starts with a happy family occasion in the true sense of the term … but happiness wasn't revolting at our place, it was mixed with worry, depression & some gloomy stuff that didn't make it purely happy ... something is always missing, and the happiness is not complete!

well, the second thing which actually the thing i wanted to write about it here ... is the book in my hand which i'm currently reading, i was in a mission of searching a new book to read, i pre-arranged a list of 2010 books, they were 12 or so, now the number on my list reached 25+ wow ... i wonder when will i ever find the time to finish all of them!
but in my search mission i stumbled upon a book review, and after reading it, i decided right away to read this book, putting all my other lists & books aside.
the novel is called The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

Some stories can be told again in endlessly different ways. Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian combines a search for the historical Dracula with a profound sense that Stoker got some things right--that the late Mediaeval tyrant kills among us yet, undead and dangerous. From Stoker, she also takes a sense that the supernatural seems more real when embedded in documentary evidence.

Three generations search for Dracula's resting place, and their stories are nested within each other, so that we know that at least two quests ended badly. Kostova rations her thrills very carefully so that we jump out of our chair at quite slight surprises, especially when we have come to expect buckets of blood and loud bangs. She also has a profound and well-communicated sense of place and period, so that the book is equally at home in 1930s Rumania, Cold War Budapest and 1970s Oxford. Kostova is particularly good on the sights and sounds of remote country places and the taste of real peasant food--this sensuous realism does not always go with her other skill, the creation of imagined documents and folksongs that feel as real and true as what might be actual.

This is a quietly good book rather than a spectacular debut, with some uncomfortable twists in its tail; her heroine-narrators are, and perhaps remain, in the most serious of jeopardies. ---Roz Kaveney

see, this one has it all; suspense, history, exquisite description of places, even food & delicate description of moods & scenes ... the story flew so lightly at the beginning & it did take me with it bit by bit ... after reading the first two chapters i said that's exactly my type of books, i was completely taken by the story and i couldn't put the book down for a minute ... then as i went forward in my reading, till i reached chapter 15, the span of my interest was gradually decreasing till it reached its minimum ... and so now i'm in chapter 36 ... the events are raising & it attracted my attention again. I'm still swaying between the two states along the novel, i feel some mistakes in the novel's plot too.
people emerges out of the blue in a naive way and the heroine or her father stumbles upon them and takes them as a companion, those people are helping them or are having the key to solve the next quest in the novel .... some characters are rising & the main character gets interested in them for no explanatory reason, that was a something which annoyed me in the novel. but there are two good points about this novel, first; this novel is having an eloquent style of writing. second; there are some vagueness which will make you unsure of what will happen next ... although i was able to expect and figure out some stuff before reading them in the novel. but i'm still not sure how will the novel end ...

P.S
hmmmm ... I have a hint about the next book i'm going to read after i'm finished with The Historian, as The historian is such a big book already, over than 700 pages ... i'm planning for a smaller book to read after this one, yet it seems to be interesting too ... i think i will pick "The Hunger Game by Suzanne Collins" this will be the next one on my list.

I'm open to books suggestions and recommendations, i always like that :)

to be continued after i'm done reading the historian.

Feeling sick

2010-01-30T01:49:00.005+02:00

i'm trying to forget the pain, headache, the silly, sticky, stringy phlegm, and concentrate down here ... i'm in a real bad phase of a wicked subtle cold ... my throat hurts me & my voice is barely audible ... i'm slacking around ... sleepy but can't sleep cause of the uncomfortable, annoying feeling of the pain back in my throat & my body ... oh the easiest most common kind of illness we can't even handle it ,,, we human are so delicate & health is really really precious, that a very tinny virus makes us so helpless, your are living within your body & can't escape somewhere else .... all what i'm doing is keep drinking hot stuff just to distract me from the bad taste in my mouth & numb my throat a bit too ... mint, lemon, tea with cinnamon it's the best ... i really like this one ... i'm up till i'm so tired that will make me fall asleep without realizing, otherwise it's pretty hard to sleep (sight).

how people tick !!

2010-01-26T04:51:00.009+02:00

i stopped getting angry from people long time ago, I'm just careless to whatsoever reaction they take. but i started to get worried, does that make me insensate, insensible person, who is having a lake of sensation & awareness? an inanimate creature. or a fool, unconscious person who should take some stands against the things which happens around ... but i actually let it pass away ... which leads me to the next point; that i may have grown more wise, so i ignore the trivial matters here and there ...

i'm a nervous person by inheritance ... i cooled down a lot, because i always admire those who are always in control of their own reactions, they are the winners in any situation by far, a person in control is more powerful than the one who loses his nerve so easily, and you can never admire someone who loses his nerve but actually what happens is quiet the opposite.
i've trained my self to be calmed down ... sometimes it's really hard, but I'm getting better by time, cause i always work on it, but at certain situations i just lose it ... and start over again, that makes me feel disappointed sometime.

but what is happening to me now, is not listed under the getting nervous or not category ,,, it's more likely related to people's reactions as a lifestyle, you do things to people and expect other stuff in return, as a gratitude or a courteous reaction, but they never do, and i just become indifferent.

I keep reminding myself; don't expect much from people because they are very disappointing.

these days people are growing more selfish, discourteous & they live for their own only & the behaviors are propagating ... i ignore & ditch and smile back as if nothing has happened ... like you have an expectation that this person will do so & so, which is the right thing to do, but they never do. i don't blame, whether its done intentionally ( they mean to annoy me & they intend to be mean to me ) or unintentionally ( they don't know what is the right to react back or its actually something related to their disposition ) , i don't have a third option ... is there a one? and in both ways, why should i care !!

like my sister's sister-in-law ... she is always rude with me, for no reason at all ... the only reason i can give here is; she is being jealous.
I've always done her good & never payed her bad treatments in a bad way, although she really deserves it, at least to wake her up, cause i don't have to accept her way, none will ever accept it, nothing forces me to do so, and if she was around people they would have taught her a good lesson for that.
we were working at the same place actually, sharing the same room too with others, she was trying to ignore my conversations, leave the place when i start to talk, skip any thing that may combine us together, the good thing is, i wasn't giving much attention to what she does & the bad thing is I've never alarmed her, but for my surprise, our colleagues did, they were denying what she does while apparently i wasn't doing anything bad, on the contrarily i was helping her, when our friends come to me asking for something to do for her i never hesitate. i was driving her by my car & she never thanked me, i was telling her the news my friends wanted me to convey to her, till one day she lied & said i didn't ... i only asked my friends to not tell her things through me, cause maybe she doesn't like it, yes our friends knew that she was lying but i didn't talk with her about the matter.

when she took her Master degree she made her brother to swear never to tell me !! and for me when she decided to let it out, i ignored telling her congrats, as if I've never heard the news, i think that's fair enough ... when her brother pointed this matter out to her, regarding the way she treats me ... she said she is free to do what she wants & she doesn't want any more troubles.

for me why i never care about it ...

first she is very nervous & sorry she is stupid, I'm sure i will not be able to get the conversation right, plus blaming her will never do any good, cause her brother & mother tired before, she is only get fixed for couple of days, and then she resumes back again.
she is older than me but that's not enough to make me think that she is a grown up person.
she is tough & rough in her ways, even with other people, although she gives me the extra doze but our conversations are always short & we never talk alone.
her brother always mark her reactions towards me, and people, so it's obvious to her & the others.
i really dont care about her as long as she didn't literary insult me or did something that would scratch my dignity.

i feel sympathized towards her sometime, and i just ignore her as much as i can, and actually never care about her news, but i can't help it if i knew she was in trouble, i just do whatever i can do ... and never look back for rewards, cause i know i won't get them, but i don't care !!

other things which i ignore ...
well, the normal stuff, like adding an old study friend & he/she blocks you, although u used to be colleagues, back then. but ur contacts has been cut long time ago ... that's normal, and it happens i think with the too much technology revolution we have now, with time u get used to that. right !!

giving a friend a party, and when it's your time that they give you a party, they just don't ... well i give excuses at this point. and i keep it normal.

and many more ,,, but i cant remember now.

Surfing

2010-01-21T07:12:00.006+02:00

I will start by saying ...

"Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But it’s only kept a secret from the person who fails.” –Robert Half

today i have been checking my friend's pages, photos, written words, it has been too long since i checked on my friends, cause i always felt not interested in doing that. for me it's another day of aimless desire, of wasting another day of my life doing nothing except surfing over the internet pages and all i have to do is just watching ... the story of my life.

i thought about my friend "A" i have been hearing about the so many changes happening in his life lately,the more you know him the more surprises he just brings it up with him every-time. i checked his old photo album ... his spirit is unique, that even through his still images, his facial expressions, makes you feel delighted & you sense that there is something is moving inside you, forcing you to stand up & run till your feet are burnt, not running from something, but running for something, i can describe him in three words, "creativity, inspiration and optimism" he always says you have to move on & life doesnt have to be that hard ...

then i stumbled upon a photo of a friend of my friend ... which led me to her page, and i started reading her notes, it was passionate, full of meanings, and i can say, it was full of life, a something which is missed here among my words.
i don't know why i found them that way, although the words & phrases seemed so simple, but they were original ...

.........................

I'm so tired, i guess i'll go to bed now ... to be continued, that if i remembered, what was all that about.

Untitled

2010-01-18T20:06:00.007+02:00

I'm feeling happy, i haven't felt that way since ages ... which made me doubt that i already forgot how it feels like to be happy, but today, it's all coming back to me now, the creamy, delicious, seductive, flowery feeling of just being, HAPPY ... and the hilarious part is; i don't know what is making me feel happy :D ... i waked up feeling so, and that all what matters.
the same peculiar feeling did hit me, when i waked up on the 1st of January this year ... i heard a voice in my mind saying ... the Ticket of all your 2009 miseries has expired, it was just a one year ticket ... and starting from today, you are new !! and as the days go by, the voice is being proved.
today i met that new friend 'V' a friend of my friend, she works for that company which my friend asked her to deliver my CV to them, for the job vacancy they have. she was very welcoming & nice, she is from Germany & pretty old for me in the mid of her 30s i guess, but, very active & talkative and having a spirit of a teenager, she wants to ride horses, i used to see riding horses is something fascinating, but i've never tried it, i may try to go to that club so we may go riding horses together.

Big fat TWO ...

2010-01-16T21:11:00.002+02:00

i find this quote hilarious "2+2=5, (for extremely large values of 2)"

but the meaning is far beyond being a funny quote ...
it's originally a Communist slogan in the USSR referring to the five-year plan to increase production. It originally meant the goals of the five-year plan could be achieved in four years if the people would try hard enough. It also re-enforces the communist idea that by working together, more can be achieved than working individually.

mathematically when we talk about rounding and estimating. For instance, suppose you have your calculator set to round all numbers to integers (no decimal places) and you're actually computing 2.48 + 2.47. The calculator will automatically round, so 2.48 & 2.47 will show up on the screen as 2. Then when you add, the sum 4.95 will be rounded to 5. Hence, 2 + 2 = 5 if the value of 2 is large enough.

It's a joke ... but a joke with a somewhat serious point. All measurements in the real world (as opposed to the esoteric whirled of mathematics) are estimates; they're always rounded to something. There's no such thing as absolute precision. So rounding must come into play sometime or other, and the joke about 2 + 2 = 5 if 2 is large enough, is a reminder about the way that estimation errors compound.

The Circus – Take That

2010-01-13T02:45:00.005+02:00

I've been listening to this song today, over & over & over again. It's such an amazing song by Take That, and one of Gary's best performances, I just like this version … isn't it beautiful?! :)

this is the Original song's lyrics cause he's kinda changing little stuff in this version

Silence please 'cos i've got something to say
And i'm going round in circles every day
The more i shout the more i hesitate
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone

Stand up please til i'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone

Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say, to say

Silence please 'cos i've got something to say
And before the music takes you all away
I never thought I'd leave it all so late
Now that you're gone, Oh you're gone

Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I love you was too many words to say, to say

I never thought I'd leave it all so late
Now that you're gone, Oh you're gone

Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I love you was too many words to say, to say

Resolutions

2010-01-11T22:34:00.016+02:00

time is slipping & I'm not using it in an effective way & that has a very bad impact over me in return ... i'm hovering between things, just nothing is completely done, I've a lot of things in my mind but i can't stick to one thing till the end.
this may due to three reasons, 1. a very bad time management, 2. i'm in need for motivation (but what could be a better motivation than being a successful person & being able to accomplish stuff, it has been too long since i tasted the flavor of success which i really miss it right now), 3. maybe I'm such a loser & lazy person by nature, which i'm sure as far as i can remember it's something i've never been 5 or 6 years ago.
now i'm just trying to sum up some of the things which i really care about and would like to do in the near future ...

First, i'm working on my master thesis. it has been suspended for ehmmmm 3 years now? because of work, laziness, frustration ... I'm not sure what is delaying me to get it done (i need not to mention my personal problems last year which was the reason #1 to spoil the whole past year and part of the year before) .
my supervisor is such a real gentleman, very well-understanding, i'm using this to my benefit; he always approves to expand my interval year after year regardless of my progress. but now, time is up & i'm in need to finish the thesis or i will lose my chance forever. i'm done with my courses, got my point ... but i have to make my researches & i need to learn some tools to help me finish my thesis point. i need to do some simulations in matlab, that program which i even hate to open it, which is also a stupid behavior, because any engineer should be familiar with that tool, but i always run away from it ... i've to settle & work seriously on getting the knots & plots out of this program and i'm pretty sure it won't be something hard for me, i just need to concentrate & insist on getting through it. one problem remains now; my supervisor got preferment and his position is now expanded to administrate many things beside teaching at the college he is extremely busy & it's his turn to ditch me, it's his right, although it's not intentionally done, he is sincerely trying to finish things through mail ( which he hardly check it ) , or phone, but i can't manage to get one meeting done with him, he is always in private meetings with others coming across the country, he is managing many governmental projects right now & it's really hard for him to have me squeezed in his schedule, i have to contact the secretary of his office in college, she is not good at all & she messes up all my appointments. she gives me the wrong timings, so he is either in a hurry going to an on-site mission outside his office or she never tells him so he is not ready with papers, or sometime my time overlaps with others so he can't have enough time for our discussions. i have been waiting at his office and i saw the hectic around him, papers to sign, people dashing his office asking for permissions or random questions, phones, and a lot & a lot of meetings. well, this is frustrating, but i can't blame anyone but myself right now, i had all my chances before but i wasted them one after the other. so i have to deal with my current situation & get it right this time.

Second, my career which is a little deviating from my academic study, i didn't reach the position or the career i'v been dreaming about ( i can't stay in one place more than 1 year :D ), yes, at every place i worked for, i was always remembered for good & i was always someone who is hard to forget for my colleagues & employers and i'm still having connections from all my previous jobs. but i'm still searching for my dream job, and maybe that is why it's so easy for me to give up my job & look for another. ... now i'm out of work for couple of months, i've taken that decision to concentrate on my study & get it done in the shortest possible period of time, cause during my full time job i was completely devoted to my work and i couldn't do anything else beside it. but now, time-wasting and tasks-postponing has become a hobby, everyday there are lots of stuff i need to do & i end up driving here & there, family stuff or whatever. add to this i'm not comfortable with this out-of-work gab, it reduces my skills & i need to be updated with the new stuff, so i need to read & practice things myself & make some self training just to not forget the knowledge i gained during my previous works, or screw up when it comes for a job interview, adding to this, i need to expand my knowledge & learn new tools to add them to my current ones which will open up new opportunities for me, i have a long list of things - which is growing daily - i need to work on them & find some articles and tutorials about them to read.

i like autodidacticism ... anything that pops up in my mind, i just google it & then start hitting my road, but somethings i need to get them professionally, through private courses, but that option is always at the bottom of my list for lots of reasons.

couple of days ago i had a job offer from my previous company, they want me to return back & work with them again, but actually i'm still not done with any of my goals yet. it feels good to know that ur previous company still want you or they are looking for someone like you to hire (that's what i heard from my work's colleagues) but i apologized to them again, and i'm now afraid, what if i got another job offer, an offer i won't be able to refuse this time?

also my professor told me about a good job position in a place he knows & asked me to send my CV but i've never sent it or give it to him.

i'm having a serious problem, "i'm a machine for time leakage and opportunities destruction" no matter how much time or chances i got in hand it simply evaporates.

Third, Art, which is a favorite hobby, and it consumes up most of my time. i like drawing ( but i can't draw well, but i want to learn everything about it to do it based on the right principle so i'm looking forward to having some courses about drawing, art basics, colors ... and so on when i have time) i like photography, graphic design, which i self-learned it, so now i'm playing around with graphic programs here & there & i'm doing pretty well just for my amusement ... i've a new growing passion now, it posses me, it is video editing & visual effects. i can spend my whole day trying new stuff using a video editting program and reading every tutorial and article i can put my hands on. i made 2 videos till now & my friends liked them, but i see that they are horrible, but for a start, it's not bad :) ... i wish to become professional in that field, i'm gathering the pieces now, but the more i waste time on this, the more i feel guilty towards the previously mentioned point 1 & 2.

Fourth, i have three projects, a private work i can do from home as a freelancer, so i can keep up with my career, it's really a something, the first project is for a friend, the second for a relative of mine, the third for my professor ( it's different than the full time job above ) , it's a private business for him ( but he can't find the time to fully explain it to me and give me the needed data :D ) they are overlapping, i may end up accepting one of them, but the time management problem arises every time i need to add a new thing to my list.

Fifth, in short ... Reading, writing, social commitments ...
Reading ... i wish i could read a book every week but it ends up for a book every couple of months, i have 2 novels now in hand i want to squeeze them in my day. the " one hour before bed time option" never works, cause i crawl everyday fighting hard to reach my bed and fall asleep immediately.

writing, i hope i could write about everything that crosses my mind, and keep this blog alive with new posts, cause this is a something i enjoy doing it & i hope i will keep it up.

Social commitments, they are stable, but i need to connect more & go out with my friends, not only the family oriented stuff, which it never ends. I'm in a desperate need to form new relations & friendships, gaining new acquaintances is what i'm looking for right now.

Sixth, i wish to travel abroad for work or study purpose, just walk around the world.

to be continued ...

Just go away ...

2010-01-09T19:31:00.009+02:00

while i'm the one who rarely dream during my sleep ... why do i keep dreaming of you? and why all my dreams about you are so annoying, you complain & keep pushing me to listen, why don't you just vanish like anything else which had vanished, or did they not ?? ... why you keep nagging my life and chasing me in my dreams, when will you ever disappear & never return back again ...

All New

2010-01-03T21:04:00.002+02:00

New Mobile & Laptop for the new year ...

Happy 2010

2010-01-01T10:22:00.003+02:00

Happy New Year it's Two O One O

my first post, my new page ... hopefully it's gonna be better than the folded one

Huge Debris...

2009-12-26T10:01:00.020+02:00

Ohhhh … I can't believe how the feelings can change 180 degrees in less than 2 hrs, oh … disgusting … well, I decided to have a look over Robert Pattinson work, and I watched " Little Ashes" it just makes me want to puke … I know its just acting and all … but that is horrible, very uncomfortable … toooo bad to my taste, it makes me feel very pessimistic at the moment, well if I got over it, I may not turn this to hate against Robert, he is a good actor after all, and if i'm a film critic i would say that Robert has given an intense performance & it seems that he is having a quirky character choice that won't leave me in shock expecting his next roles in the upcoming movies, but at least my enthusiasm will be degrading far far below the zero point, and that’s healthy too !!
and this exactly proves my point here

I don't think person should be a fan of another person, rather than his story, ideas & figures ... if Robert Pattinson was in a different plot & story maybe i wouldn't care, but the story is what count, the feeling & the mood which was set for the character to make it the way it's, is what makes me so attracted to it including the Robert Pattinson himself as an important part of this package

And regarding "Salvador Dalí" I should read more into history to know who are worth to be admired, Salvador's personal life is his, but his art work is not enough for me & I can't think about him as a figure too, if this is his truth …
during the movie i was wondering, why the movie is just focusing on this point ?? his turmoil ?? his sexual disorientation, is that all what he really is?!! and at the end of the movie there was the answer, they said that Salvador shrouded his relationship in mystery only towards the end of his life, did he open up about his friendships from student days, specially his connection with Federico García Lorca. and such memories inspired this film. it still so filthy to me.

i started searching and i read that: "Dali swore that Lorca’s lust for him never became physical", so there is a possibility that the screenwriter has gone far steaming with the relation for drama sake only, and for this i can't trust the movie & take everything in it seriously as a fact. i see this is very bad for history. movies are easily carved & last in people's minds, and i can consider this movie, a real betrayal for a man his work is maybe much important than some filthy minds inspired by a half-real story.

ok i didnt like the movie.

The Birthday is mine, the happiness is yours

2009-12-25T16:44:00.025+02:00

well, yesterday 24th was my official birthday, i mean the one registered in papers, couple of years ago i discovered my real Birthday by chance, i have known for too long that the day of my birth date wasn't correct, the employee, has registered the day regarding to something related to the hospital where i was born & the old papers worn out, so i couldn't find the real date, but the mere chance led me to my correct birth date which is the 15th of Dec ... i like the day, i mean it changes everything even my horoscope although i'm not interested in such bluffs. but regardless that fact, i still celebrate on 24th cause everyone else knew that date, i keep the other one only to myself.

last year, the memory of my birthday celebration has brought some sadness to me, it reminds me of someone i don't like to remember ( the worst person i ever met in my entire life, i can't remember someone much worse, he had such a bad influence on me, the harm was done spiritually, absolutely spiritual. although, from day one, i didn't feel well against him, i felt something is wrong with that person and my point of views ( which has been proved to be right later ) were against everyone else around me who accused me to be unjust & prejudice. i was forced into that relation, or maybe "forced" is not the correct word, but what i can say is, that; i was trying hard to accept that person in my own acquaintance, to please those whom were around me, while my logic & senses were refusing him.
I'm not sure if the pages here will hold that story one day, but for now, at least, i'm sure i'm not having any wish to mention it) and at that birthday exactly, i started to feel very old ... feeling old & loser, and a lot of other real negative bad stuff ...

yesterday i've been sleeping all day, i didn't answer my received calls & by knowing their intended purpose i didn't return them back, just the messages were the only thing which managed to reach me, i even didnt let my family to bring me a cake, i don't want to celebrate, maybe later but not now ....

i don't like to remember the 2008 birthday at all, and i may consider celebrating on the 15th from now on ... i'm glad that i'm having 2 birth dates at least i will not tend to hate the date of my birth & existence.

i dont know what is it that thing exactly which i'm hating the most about my birthday??
is it the fact of aging without achieving the things which i dreamed to do in my life? they say " it's never too late". I feel life is slipping around me, moving & i'm resisting to change, to move with it, to go on. i'm frozen & i have no wish to melt with my surrounding, i know this sounds stupid, even while i'm typing it now, i feel i'm such a naive & negative person and i 've never been like that before, but i cant help it or explain it, every step forward, is forced by other 10s of steps backward, it's like a wicked conspiracy against me to force me down, and i cant find any way to hold my power to stand up again and escape ...
or is it that memory of that exact person which i'm trying hard to dim it, to not believe that there will ever be someone else, a replica of that person i may meet again in my life. i already had my bad chance once & i'm done with it & i dont want to have it the same way again, ever.
all i remember is that, my hate to my birthday has started on 2008 & i'm still living with that fact.

Twilight saga

2009-12-18T07:00:00.039+02:00

yesterday 10:50 am ( just for my record :D) I've finished reading the 4th book in the twilight saga series , first i wasn't interested, i've never been into vampires stuff, just one TV series called Moonlight which i feel it's pretty similar to twilight in the general idea, then i heard about the Twilight movie but i didn't feel the argue to watch it, i just watched it 6 months ago outsourced from a curiosity matter only, but i became very insane, and that's how it all started, that's how i knew about the books, so i decided reading it (believe me the books will get you hooked to your bones with the story, beside; the movie did trim a lot of very good details & feelings due to budget stuff and so on) , anyway, at that time i was a little hesitant to read the rest of the books before seeing "New Moon", but i couldn't resist, so i did read New Moon, it was a bit gloomy but it was still nice, the thing which pissed me off was that there wasn't much of Edward in it. then i waited the release of the movie so later, i will see how i will finish the other 2 books, but the movie turned out to be very disappointing, boring, missing all the senses in the novel ... then now i've finished Eclipse & Break down they are much better than the other two, from the moment i started reading i couldn't put down the books, i was staying up too late to finish it & that i even thought about making use of my bed time while going to sleep and listened to it through the book audio, cause sometimes i couldn't keep my eyes open ... i finished the last book through the book audio & i didn't read most of it, it's fun. i can say the best book is the last one (Break down) a lot of twists & events plus that, Edward & Bella love story was in action after they got married & the intriguing baby girl Renesmee ... i instantly fall in love with her name & with the character plot. knowing that Stephenie Meyer has decided to write the fifth book in the series "Midnight Sun" is really pleasing me, knowing that there will be more of such wonderful series ... i dont think i will ever get enough of it.

these days drama , movies & novels ... are making us fall in love with the beast, the evil part of ourselves, stories about the perfect man being a vampire,
like Edward in Twilight
& Mick St. John in Moonlight they are perfect, strong & protective, so kind while they think about themselves as monsters ... is it a new era of love stories between humans & vampires, you can never find the perfect man except if he was half monster, the impossible love, the love that can never exist, where on earth there is a man like Edward or Mick ?? and as vampires don't exist; such species of men will never exist too ...
it's so frustrating, to live on fairytale or fiction knowing they will never become true, its only real in your imagination ... does dream come true? that's why it's called a dream.
i've never thought i will like a vampire movie or TV series (angel yeaaak puffy the vampire slayer ewwww yeakk i don't like them) or a teenager love story; i used to think about them as trivia ... but hey it happened, and it's hard to say it, but it's true, i'm very obsessed, it's my new obsession, I honestly hate to admit it, although it still a mature & under control obsession, I'm not fond of Edward Cullen as Robert Pattinson or Mick St. John as Alex O'Loughlin in person, no, i don't think person should be a fan of another person, rather than his story, ideas & figures ... if Robert Pattinson was in a different plot & story maybe i wouldn't care, but the story is what count, the feeling & the mood which was set for the character to make it the way it's, is what makes me so attracted to it including the Robert Pattinson himself as an important part of this package ... it gives me the feeling of being in love in a different time of century, in a different place that doesn't belong to where we live ... the unique type of love & the unique type of man who will never happen twice on this planet ... oh God, heart broken :/

Julie & Julia

2009-12-15T21:36:00.022+02:00

I can blog, i have thoughts ... quoting Julia from Julie & Julia movie

i wanted to watch that movie since i've seen its commercial on the TV, and i watched it today; i thought it was going to be full of fun, and it was. specially the part when Julie was chipping the onion, i really laughed out loud on the way she moves her body. Meryl Streep way was delightful, but the movie sensed sort of tragical to me at certain points. but the conclusion is; i liked it, i liked the idea, cooking & blogging for me, they are the modern fun of this era, adding its based on a true story, and its so real, i mean i blog and it was easy to understand Julia feelings & able to interact with it.
and as it's real here what did i get from a little search? the real Julia Blog and a newer Jullia version of blog i guess? it starts where the old one stops after 2004 and Julie or Julia very own official website
who doesnt want to be the center of the universe? some blogs gave their authors sorta that fame, for me! sure i would like to, it means i'm doing something successful on some level, but it will freak me out, cause i will see the the half empty side of the cup, when u gain something it feels good raising your curve up in the graph , but going down is horrible, i would like to be loved more, but when i reach certain peak i dont want to travel my trip down again i mean i won't handle it if i felt that this kind of love, or care or interest is becoming less & degrading, so being where i'm feels much safe!! its better than the other way around, adding to this, when people starts watching me & i realize their thoughts about me it controls my reactions & my stuff seems they dont belong to me anymore, cause there is an eye sneaking on me ... and that's something i dont like.
i like to be free, freedom is all what i crave for in this life, it makes me feel comfortable, but if my blog became famous & had fans & stuff, i wont admit it ( i mean the horrible part i just mentioned above ) one day whoever you are ? if you are reading ?? if there is anybody there reading this ? i would like you to dig deeper & reach that post, cause i dont think i will mention it in any advanced step in my blog again :D

Writing

2009-12-15T05:48:00.014+02:00

one of my newly popping virtues these days, is that i change thoughts and moods fast, i hover a lot; that i can't catch up with anything sensational and because of that i'm here struggling trying to find a trace behind my words and thoughts. but i may assure that my style might look a bit literary at the moment, maybe cause i'm doing too much reading in the twilight saga books, its taking control over me, though such things dont last too long as well, because of my nature of being in a continuous change, flip-flopping so rapidly between things, i get bored easily & i hate routines, although i'm grounded to it unwillingly

shielded; that's the word. i can define myself this way, but don't get me wrong, it's an inside out shield not the contrarily thing thought.

i have been always rejecting things, refusing to go in pubic, my friends used to call me mysterious, vague, they used to say how come we know you that long & still don't know you yet, we don't know anything about you ... all that time, i refuse to talk about the things i like or hate, my personality, my daily stuff, my weak points, i dont give much details of my life to anyone even my family, i dont give them the clue to how i feel against things, how is it the impact of certain stuff upon me. i've always been hiding somewhere safe for me, i dont like to be defined ,,,, or to be such an easy read for others, it didnt put me at any ease, that's why i blog anonymous, it gives me the freedom to define myself the way i see it from my own prospective. yet, never given up the key of who i'm to anyone that easily ... years of resistance may have dimmed things a bit even to my so intimate self, i sometime find it hard for me to know who i really i'm. to define myself or even understand it ... put it in the correct context of events & whatever ... and as i built that blog, it's really helping, starting to define things & draw a very clear lines around them ... put them where they belong, by training i will be able to handle it, maybe it's slow now ... but later it will be a piece of cake to me, i'm just afraid of getting used to it, so i will get used to it & do it in public and at then i won't be able to get back where i was ... i shouldnt anticipate so, let me see how things will be later.

its funny how i try to put some lines in here as soon as they pop up in my mind & then the flood stops & i write to be continued, because i know there is more on the subject but it's still hidden at some corner in my mind till i feel i'm finished those three words below will always decorate my posts ... and i may leave it there if the subject is something eternal

To be continued ...

NewBorn

2009-12-14T04:49:00.005+02:00

This is personal, personally i want more !!

Today i decided to start this page ... for me, for my own sake ... for my own future ... This is my first post … but it's not my first blog, i used to have a blog & it got me to know such a very wonderful people i wasnt able to know them if it wasnt for the blogsphere world.

but i decided to make a closure … not only to my old blog, but to a lot of other stuff which have happened to me in the past 3 years, at the same time i still have the need to release some thoughts, i want to get rid of them; so i can start over again & go on with my life… thats why i thought about this page for my thereby, life has not been treating me nice lately & it used to punch me in my face a lot … the pain which has been caused to me during the past period was really big & the depression i endured was more than anything i have faced in my entire life, the word sadness is far too trite a term for the actual oodles convulsible feeling that strikes me now, but i decided to rise up above every history that has been & have a fresh new start … starting new doesnt mean i will start small … its just a new point to another departure in my life & so it will go

This is my Life ... The only Life i can have from the Billion possibilities in this world .. i will only experience ONE ... and it's been waiting for me to discover it !! ...
A history ... Will it be our future again?! Can Once in a lifetime happen twice ?!

so, a big welcome my newly blog friends with the approach of the new year 2010 is almost 2 weeks far behind the doors, so its just a new born …

regards.